When my healing journey began, I realized that forgiveness was a huge part of the process. Or should I say – the inability to forgive. If you asked me a few years ago whether I was holding resentment against anyone, I would have confidently said no. I believed at the time that any conflict I had in the past had been meticulously discussed and worked through and no longer had an impact on my life. I would soon discover how wrong I was.
Before I dive in, I want to set some context. This has been an exceptionally challenging article for me to put together. I am deeply aware of traumatic scenarios that seem impossible to forgive. Being both a receiver of such trauma and the coach who helps others overcome theirs, I want to lovingly remind you to move through these steps at your own pace.
If you’ve undergone something that seems too big to forgive right now, please read this knowing that I see you.
My forgiveness story
In 2019, the world as I knew it was turned upside down. My mother, Kathleen, who was so much more than a mom to me, suddenly died from a heart condition. This tremendous loss threw me into a deep depression. To make matters worse, the pandemic was spreading across the world, forcing us to lock down in our homes. I had no other choice but to sit with my grief. This decision ultimately transformed my life and changed me forever.
Grief is a painful but beautiful process that requires a lot of self-reflection. It has a unique way of bringing buried emotions to the surface. Once I was able to come to terms with my sadness, I soon discovered the repressed anger below it. It was the feeling of being hurt wrapped in a protective layer of denial and resentment buried deep within.
The grieving process forced me to come face to face with all those unresolved issues. I read, wrote, prayed, meditated, and went to therapists and coaches. The resounding answer I received was forgiveness.
I had to forgive those who hurt me, and most importantly, I had to forgive myself.
But what is forgiveness anyway?
How do I forgive someone that’s not sorry?
How can I forgive someone when I’m still angry and hurt?
Will an apology be enough for what happened?
How do I know when I have really forgiven?
I went down a rabbit hole, searching for answers. What I learned helped me heal and release the past for good. I began to see people and situations differently. I was no longer weighed down, and my future was full of opportunities. I look forward to sharing these steps with you.
10 Steps I Give My Clients To Help Them Forgive
I hope these practical gems and tools catapult you down your own rabbit hole of healing.
1) Recognize the telltale sign that you haven’t forgiven someone.
Do you find yourself annoyed by the way your partner chews, a co-worker speaks, or a friend drives?
If little stuff like this bothers you in everyday life, it’s a sign that there’s more underneath the surface.
Interestingly, our smaller grudges are typically linked to past trauma. So, feeling angry at someone cutting you off in traffic or snapping at your spouse over dinner can hint at deeper, unresolved issues. As we bottle up our bigger emotions, they find ways to leak into daily life.
This awareness itself is the gateway to forgiveness.
2) Decide who you need to forgive.
This is a critical next step.
It’s easier to recognize when we are angry or upset with someone else. But we might miss the realization that we are also mad at ourselves.
So, I recommend journaling to uncover this. A great writing prompt for this step could be, “Who am I upset with today?” Then, write; don’t think about spelling, punctuation, or anything else. Just allow your unconscious mind to spill out onto paper. List everything (and maybe even yourself) until you feel lighter. At the end of this, you might be surprised at what came out.
3)Understand that forgiveness does not condone bad behavior.
The next few steps require us to reframe how we look at the act of forgiveness.
When we forgive someone, we are not saying what they did was right or okay. Their actions may have caused tremendous pain. Rather, we are choosing to forgive in spite of what happened. By forgiving, we let go of the idea that someone else’s behavior can dictate our happiness. We choose peace over the judgment of another person.
I find Byron Katie’s work to be a powerful resource to help take happiness back into our hands.
4) Know that forgiveness does not require any action from another person.
No perfect combination of words can heal our pain. The words I am sorry might feel good initially, but they will not replace the internal work necessary for forgiveness and healing to occur.
Your forgiveness journey is for you. It’s about letting go of the weight of all the emotions you carry so you can find your inner peace.
So, no, you do not need to have someone understand the magnitude of their actions. Forgiveness is a choice we make inside of ourselves, regardless of the other person’s words or actions.
5) Recognize that forgiveness doesn’t mean that someone should remain a part of your life.
Not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.
Some relationships teach us hard lessons that are essential for our growth. But as we continue to heal, we develop boundaries for people’s behavior. What we brushed off in the past becomes rightfully intolerable.
It is okay to let go of the people and situations that no longer resonate with you. Emotions such as anger and resentment are useful to help show us where boundaries are required, but we don’t need to hold on to these feelings in order to maintain the distance.
6) Accept that you can not change the past.
We have all spent time replaying past scenarios in our heads, unconsciously trying to find an alternative ending. If we had done something different, if we had said something different, maybe our life would have turned out differently.
Much of our suffering comes from the hope that things could have been different. So, accepting that we can’t change the past can feel like one of the hardest parts of forgiveness.
The truth is that no matter how much we overthink this, we can’t undo what’s already happened. It’s important to shift focus towards freeing up the mental space needed for healing. This is the work I go deeper into with my clients.
7) Acknowledge the hurt you experienced and where in your body you hold it.
As we begin to understand what forgiveness is and isn’t, let’s explore some deeper concepts.
Feeling hurt isn’t just an emotional experience; it’s also an energy that gets stored in the physical body. You may have experienced an upset stomach, headaches, or back pain that seemed to come from nowhere or without any medical reasoning. This oftentimes is the result of past trauma. We can use techniques like EFT (emotional freedom technique) to access our pain and heal it.
EFT involves using our fingers to tap on specific pressure points on the body. Similar to other therapeutic modalities like acupuncture, tapping on these points helps release trapped energies. The process sends a message to the brain to relax. This technique has been proven very effective at reducing anxiety, stress, and other unwanted emotions.
I’ve created an easy-to-follow EFT video that you can watch by joining my mailing list.
8) Drop the judgment.
You might think, “They are wrong; I didn’t deserve that!” And you are probably right.
But here’s the thing. Hurt people, hurt people.
The “bad guy” is also suffering. This person has a history that led them to the moment of wrongdoing. We might not have enough context to understand what caused them to mistreat us. When we judge a person for their actions, we start looking at them in an oversimplified way. This can dehumanize them.
Can you reflect on the idea that there’s nothing personal about what happened? People’s actions are never about us and all about their own inner struggles.
9) Focus on the good in others in spite of their flaws.
This beautiful gem came from my beloved mother.
She had this amazing ability to see the beauty of a person in spite of being mistreated, abused, and hurt by them. While she was courageous and confrontational when needed, she chose to live with love and compassion.
Every story she shared with us about her challenges came from a place of empowerment.
We can all take a page from my mother’s book. What we focus on grows. If we choose to see the good in others, more often than not, they will reflect back more good. If we choose to see the negative in them, we lose the opportunity to see the beautiful person behind all that pain.
10) Be kind to yourself; forgiveness takes time and effort on your part.
I really get how much of a struggle forgiveness can be! I still feel that tinge of anger when I feel betrayed or hurt; the difference is that now I process those emotions instead of trying to bury them.
Forgiveness, like all inner work, is not a one-and-done thing. It is a way of life you choose.
Forgiveness is a choice we make every single day.
Have compassion for yourself; you are doing the best you can with what you were given.
As you continue practicing forgiveness, there will be fewer mental battles, and you will start feeling peaceful. The product of that peace is joy.
Concluding Thoughts
If you think about it, forgiveness is our only real option.
I encourage you to choose this path as well and explore some of the steps I took on my forgiveness journey. I hope you find them useful and begin to find peace and healing as well.
